Sorry, you can say to the election canvassers: we’d love to talk but we’re having the house painted

Already the phones at Parvin Towers are ringing off the hook. Can you park a van outside our house until the election’s over? Or lend us a “Wet Paint” sign for our front door?

There are serious questions to be asked of all parties: for example is Dulux’s “Striking Cyan” washable paint an anti-Labour or an anti-Brexit statement?

Mr. Phil Lewis on Twitter contributed this very perceptive colour chart a few years ago, and it still carries a potent political message:

While you still have a clear head, we suggest booking in any painting and decorating jobs that are going to be coming up.

Many decorators sleep through the winter months, but I like to crack the whip and my workmen are already going at it like elves on a reindeer-hunt. I tell them: no painting, no mince pies.

We’re already booking up for January, so we’d love to get you an estimate done soon and schedule you in.

Call me on 0208 946 5045 to arrange a pre-Christmas quotation – while we’re both still in a good mood.

With sincere best wishes and all the compliments of the pre-season

Geoff Parvin
Parliamentary Candidate for Wits End (North)